Dear Bubby,
I have been reading your column for years and have always found your advice sound and to the point. Throughout the years I have read countless letters on a variety of topics and have always felt rather lucky that none of those issues pertained to me. However, recently I find myself in quite a predicament and I simply can not figure out what to do. I’m also a little embarrassed about it, so I don’t feel comfortable seeking advice from my family. Bubby, I am a terrible mother! I know that my friends and family would be quick to disagree, but that’s because they don’t live with me and they don’t get to see the way I am. The truth is that I am short-tempered and almost always angry at them for something. I have three young children who are Baruch Hashem healthy and smart, but instead of appreciating them I am constantly finding fault in all that they do. I am almost always yelling or raising my voice and I find almost everything they do to be annoying and bothersome. From a logical standpoint I know that they are young and I am the adult and therefore I need to cut them some slack. But when I am in the moment I find myself consumed with exhaustion and rage. All I ever do is clean up after them and beg them to eat their food. I am not able to have fun and enjoy them because they keep me so busy, not to mention all of my other responsibilities. Lately, when I get into bed at night and I reflect upon my day, I am overcome with sadness at the amount of screaming that took place in my home. I am so sad that I turned out to be this miserable, impatient mother. I am so sad for my innocent children who don’t deserve any of it! How can I change; because trust me, I’ve tried, but alas I am always back to square one.
Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Your letter will undoubtedly speak to thousands of mothers out there who at one time or another have felt just like you. It is not a secret that motherhood is undeniably the most difficult and challenging job that exists. There is zero training or schooling, and there is no degree to be attained. No matter how much advice people can give you, nothing can prepare you for the actuality of becoming a mother. The expectation of what will be when a baby is born is soon replaced with a realization of what is really involved. Mental and physical exhaustion underline what is now the beginning of a very selfless existence. No longer do things revolve around you. Instead our time, our money, and our energy are all devoted to our children. You were once an individual who focused on yourself; but you are now Mom, and this is an entity in and of itself. You once listened to the music you liked; now Kivi and Tuki are your new best friends. You once cooked the foods you enjoyed; now macaroni is the nightly cuisine. You once bought yourself something nice occasionally, now every last dime is spent on them. You once had time to make a call or have a silent thought; now almost every moment is occupied by their chatter. You once answered to your name; now you answer to Mom! Is it any wonder that you aren’t calm, relaxed, and all smiles? We can all agree that children are the greatest blessing Hashem can bestow upon us. They are the truest joy and nachas that exist! Watching our children grow, and rejoicing in their milestones are priceless.

So the question then remains, how do we, as mothers, manage to raise our children in a world that is stressful, hectic and exhausting and somehow manage to cherish every precious moment? It is quite the quandary, but it can certainly be achieved. You have already exhibited the most important quality, and that is the desire to change. All too many people go through life in complete denial of the fact that their behaviors need adjusting! On the other hand, I applaud you for recognizing your deficiency and craving a better technique.

We can not erase stress or aggravation from our lives. However, we can redefine the way in which we react to it. We control our emotions; it is not the other way around. In any given situation we have a choice, to respond and react calmly, or to explode and become enraged. Anger is like a fire - and the angrier we get, the more we fuel the flames. When our limits have been reached and we feel we are no longer coping as we’d like, it is crucial to step back and take a moment. Remove yourself from the situation and give yourself a moment to breathe and refocus. This will allow you to place things in perspective and to react appropriately to the situation.

Another key element in child rearing is a healthy sense of humor. Not every episode needs to be taken so seriously. Not every situation needs to be monumental. Bear in mind that messes can get cleaned, spills can get wiped, arguments can be resolved. And ultimately, with enough patience, love and positive reinforcement, terrible behavior can become exceptional behavior. No amount of screaming and threatening can ever achieve what can be achieved with even a small amount of love. Learning to laugh at yourself and even find amusement in your children’s slipups will add a beautiful dimension to the quality of their upbringing.

Lastly, don’t forget who you are. Being a mom most of the time is great, but reserve some of the time to just be you. Take time for yourself whenever you can get your hands on it. Whether it’s an evening out with your husband, or lunch with friends, or even time on your own doing whatever you enjoy. You will be a better mother if you take care of yourself occasionally. You will feel less resentment and be more able to cope with whatever is thrown your way. Being a mom is a full time job, so you may as well start enjoying it!
Love,
Bubby