As the mother of a son and daughter in the shidduch parsha, I am sitting and pondering who is responsible for this terrible predicament in Klal Yisroel. I have come to the conclusion that it is a compilation of the parents, seminaries and rebbeim who collectively have caused this problem.
When I say parents, I don’t mean the parents who can’t find anyone that is good enough for their child. They are causing their own children to suffer. I am talking about parents who allow their daughters to be brainwashed into believing that it is their duty to marry only learning boys, and that it’s the parents’ responsibility to work their brains out to support the newlywed couple. I am also talking about parents who expect the parents of the girl to pay full support for their sons, without them helping at all. Where does this business of full support come from? Does this mean when you marry off your son you are giving him up for adoption? I am also talking about parents who want to take revenge on their future mechutanim because they were suckered into paying full support for their daughter, so they now want someone to pay full support for their son. If we want this mishigas to stop, we as parents are going to have to bite the bullet and start saying no to these boys who are looking for full support. If that means that only the rich will get the “best” boys who deserve full support, so be it. That’s the way it was in the past, and only the worthy bochurim got to be supported by their in-laws. Eventually, the rich will realize that they to are being taken for a ride and will come to their senses and stop paying. We as parents are also responsible because we allow our sons to become totally illiterate and irresponsible. Many of our sons barely get through high school and can barely read or write, let alone do arithmetic. How will our sons ever get jobs if they don’t even have the basic skills? It is no wonder mothers today want their sons to marry rich - because they realize that many can’t make it on their own.
When our parents were looking for shidduchim for us, they looked for boys who were baal middos, yirei shomayim, were serious about their learning but also had a plan about how to make a living - either by going into business or going to college. Today many of these yungerleit are the leading baalei baatim and leaders of our community when it comes to supporting mosdos financially or being active in tzarchei tzibbur. Many parents who are themselves professionals don’t want their sons to follow in their footsteps. What has changed that mindset? We are more worried about what our friends and families will say if we don’t follow the flow instead of setting up our children with a future. Again, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
Our seminaries are doing a terrible job in training our girls for the future. Today’s girls are taught that a boy who even thinks of one day going to work or college is treif and should not be considered for a shidduch. They are focused on the few years of kollel life and not the big picture of what life will be like after kollel. How will their husbands support a family? Seminaries also fail to teach the girls anything about respecting their parents. Instead of parents being able to slow down and work less as they get older, they are required to work longer hours in order to pay support. What makes the Torah learned by a kollelnik more important than that of his shver? Why should mothers have to go out to work, leaving their younger children by babysitters in order to pay support? Is this what Torah has become? Torah with derech eretz is totally lacking today. This lack of middos does not only have to do with support, but also has to do with all the extras the couple expects from their parents, including a car, fully furnished apartments, and a place to hang out with full service during the 2 months of bein hazmanim.
Our sons’ rebbeim are also to blame for today’s crisis. Instead of helping our sons come up with a plan for the future, they too only focus on the present as long as their bais medrash stays full. College and work are assur, and baalai bayis are looked down upon until the time comes to look for a guest of honor at the yeshiva dinner. Then it’s ok to give honor to a doctor, lawyer, accountant or any professional. Their shpiel is; why waste your time going to college if you can marry rich, or marry a girl who is a professional and will work for you? Is that what Torah is all about? Other rebbeim preach to their talmidim that they should go into chinuch. Many of our sons are foolish enough to go for this proposal. They don’t realize how difficult it is today to get a rebbe job, let alone a high school or beis medrash position unless your father-in-law or father has his own yeshiva. And sitting in the beis medrash for 10 years does not qualify you for any teaching position. These same boys who can’t wait for the summer to go on SEED programs to these exotic locations wouldn’t even consider taking a permanent rebbe job there, because it’s not a place to raise a family.
Boys today have no responsibilities, because everything is spoon-fed to them. It is no wonder that today’s boys expect to get everything handed to them when it comes to a shidduch. No stress, no tests, no worry. What a life!
If we as parents don’t wise up and make drastic changes in how we go about looking for shidduchim, we will pay the price down the road and our own spoiled children will blame us for not doing more to save them from themselves.
A number of concerned parents have decided to form a group that will try to work with parents who feel the same way about the current crisis. If you have a son who plans on one day going to work or college, or who is currently working or in college, please contact us. Or if you have a daughter who is machshiv Torah but also realizes that her basherte has to have a plan for the future, please send your/his/her thoughts to shidduchelp@gmail.com and we will try to get back to you within a reasonable time frame. |
