CORECTIONS
1. Due to a transcription error and gross negligence on our part, a business report in our last issue should have read “The prestigious law firm of Bagley and Luxenburg was served at a public hearing,” NOT “Bagels and Lox were served with pickled herring.” We regret the error, but it was understandable, since it was a fast day at the time.
2. Also: The Battle of the Bulge took place in Europe during WWII, not Boro Park in 2009. Although, come to think of it…?
3. GM lost 30.9 million dollars in the last quarter. Not Country Yossi Magazine! (Whew!)
Who Am I?
Dear Country Yossi,
My crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention please,” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and whispered. “I’ll kill you!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”
Y.T.
Flatbush
Dear Y.T.,
Love it!
CY
A Bigger Bird
Dear Country Yossi,
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at my kosher supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
G.F.
BP
Dear G.F.,
LOL!
CY
Pedal to the Metal
Dear Country Yossi,
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said with a mean smirk. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the yungerman on his way without a ticket. It’s true. It was me!
Scott Free
Willy
Dear Scott,
Are you the cop or the yungerman?
CY
I Gotta Question
Dear Country Yossi,
Where in SHEMA does it talk about “cell phones?”
Big Mo
Dear Big Mo,
Easy. “Vedebarta bum, bishivticha bivesecha, uvilechticha baderech, uvishochbicha uvkumecha...”
CY
BTW, I sent this letter to my bank:
Dear Bank, One of my checks was returned marked ‘insufficient funds.’ In view of current economic developments, does that refer to me or you?
Publicizing My Publication
Dear Country Yossi,
Thank you so much for the spectacular magazine that you produce! It is such an amazing mix of entertainment, information, and most of all, enjoyment.
I am mostly appreciative of the Sound Off section - where people can voice their opinions, views, suggestions and feedback knowing that it’s reaching a vast number of frum readers - it’s amazing!
I’m writing to tell my fellow readers of a project of mine, in the hopes that anyone who can benefit from it will utilize it. I’ve had an eating disorder for a few years now and am constantly on the lookout for frum, kosher inspiration and support. It’s a hard thing to find in our community, mainly due to confidentiality concerns, which is a big shame.
Instead of sitting back and complaining though, I have decided to restart a newsletter for frum teens with eating disorders, which ceased publication a few years back due to technical difficulties.
This newsletter that I aim to publish monthly will be chock full of things that a girl with an eating disorder can benefit from. Inspiration, recovery stories, self-help articles, and a place where these girls can ask their questions and share their views.
If you or someone you know has or has had an eating disorder, please e-mail the word “subscribe” to punintended34@yahoo.com.
All mail is kept confidential.
Feel free to email any questions or comments to the above address.
Thank You.
H.B.
Ah Yiddisher Kup
Dear Country Yossi,
I thought you’d like this one. Here goes:
An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue built a sukkah on his balcony. Some of his ‘high society’ non-Jewish neighbors brought him to court. They claimed that the sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having a negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighborhood.
In court, the man was very worried about the outcome. It was the eve of the eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make alternative arrangements in case the judge ordered him to take down the sukkah. He prayed for help and Hashem listened.
Judge Ginsburg, who was Jewish himself, had a reputation for being a very wise man. After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and scolded him:
“Don’t you realize that you live on Park Avenue, and not in Brooklyn? There is a certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue… You have no right to be putting up an ugly hut on this lovely street without a building permit authorizing it…
I hereby rule that either you remove the hut, or I will fine you one thousand dollars.
You have exactly eight days to do so!
Next Case!”
C.G.
Crown Heights
Dear C.G.,
Gevaldig!
CY
Dearly Departed
Dear Country Yossi,
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, ‘Common Sense,’ who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student.
Common Sense lost the will to live as criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is to Blame; and I’m A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Received via email
Dear Emailer,
Nebach, he will be missed.
CY
Fighting Depression
Dear Country Yossi,
I have written several times to different Jewish magazines and newspapers before about depression in the frum community and the need for a support group. It hasn’t worked out, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem. I received responses, and a few weeks ago, I went through a new experience that I would like to share. During an appointment with a psychiatrist, I mentioned that I had an increase in suicidal thoughts and was afraid of hurting myself. After a discussion with my psychiatrist, psychologist and parents, Hatzolah was called and I was taken to the emergency room. A few hours later, I was admitted to an in-patient mental health clinic.
I was worried that things would get worse, that I would become like a “mental patient,” that I would be tied to my bed and not let off. Nothing was further from the truth. I was given a bed, a personal social worker and psychiatrist, and my medication was changed. There were rules about what you were allowed to bring, but that was for the safety of the patients and staff. I had daily psycho-social groups, arts and crafts, social skills groups and other activities. The patients had varying levels of mental illness, but a lot of them were depressed, just like me. I made fast friends with some of the patients, and most of the staff, of whom most were very patient and understanding.
I was released after twelve days, being stable with my new medication and talking aloud about my problems. My psychologist was proud of me for making a “brave” decision. I’m not suggesting this form of help for everyone, but depression and other mental illness is no joke and should be taken care of, despite what the naysayer might think. I give a blessing that everyone who is suffering should get help, and if anyone would like to contact me, my email address is torahyid786@yahoo.com.
Depressed
Flatbush
Historical Trivia
Dear Country Yossi,
Bet you didn’t know this:
In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back, while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are ‘limbs,’ therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, ‘Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.’ (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint than faces).
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn’t wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term ‘big wig.’ Today we often use the term ‘here comes the Big Wig’ because someone appears to be, or is, powerful and wealthy.
In the late 1700’s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, this was a long, wide board that folded down from the wall to be used for dining. The ‘head of the household’ always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally, a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the ‘chair man.’ Today in business, we use the expression or title ‘Chairman’ or ‘Chairman of the Board.’
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee’s wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman’s face she was told, ‘mind your own bee’s wax.’ Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term ‘crack a smile.’ In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression ‘losing face.’
Common entertainment included playing cards. There was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards, but only applicable to the ‘Ace of Spades.’ To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren’t ‘playing with a full deck.’
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV’s or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to ‘go sip some Ale and listen to people’s conversations and political concerns.’ Many assistants were dispatched at different times. ‘You go sip here’ and ‘You go sip there.’ The two words ‘go sip’ were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion, and thus we have the term ‘gossip.’
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid’s job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in ‘pints’ and who was drinking in ‘quarts,’ hence the phrase ‘minding your ‘P’s and Q’s.’
D.R.
Boro Park
Dear D.R.,
Yeah, I remember when G.M. stood for General Motors, not Git Meshuggah!
CY
We Fill Empty Stomachs and Empty Wallets
Dear Country Yossi,
We fill empty stomachs, but Someone came in to the MASBIA soup kitchen on Wednesday and gave everyone eating here at the time a one hundred dollar bill, in the spirit of Purim charity. So he filled some empty wallets too. I don’t know who it was, the volunteers just told me about it and I thought I’d pass it on. Me k’amchah Yisroel?
Anonymous
Flatbush
Dear Anonymous,
Just my luck, I had just finished eating and left!
CY
Matzoh Brei-lle
Dear Country Yossi,
A blind man is sitting on a park bench when a Rabbi sits down next to him. It being Pesach, the Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh.
Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to him.
Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, “Who wrote this gibberish?!”
A.T.
Flatbush
Dear A.T.,
LOL!
CY
Hired Hands
Dear Country Yossi,
When it comes to Pesach cleaning, my motto is, “always thorough and always by someone else.” I mean, if I can hire a cleaning crew or get my kids to chip in, that would be ideal. With all the cooking and other preparations that need to be done, women have to be able to delegate jobs and include their husbands in the chore doing. After all, shouldn’t everyone get into the spirit of the chag?
Sincerely,
I just don’t like cleaning
Flatbush
Dear I,
Thanks for writing in, Honey!
CY
A Laughing Matter
Dear Country Yossi,
I’ve been reading a lot of Jewish magazines and it seems like yours is the only one that keeps me really informed of what’s going on in the world on one page, and keeps me laughing on the next. I think it’s really important to keep the humor alive, because otherwise I start to feel a little down in the dumps. Thanks for the laughs and, of course, the news!
H.P.
Boro Park
Dear H.P.,
You’re welcome!
CY
Emunah Beyond Obama
Dear Country Yossi,
Why does everyone make such a big deal over the new president? Don’t people know that Hashem controls the world? Hashem has a master plan and we have to have emunah that everything happens for a reason.
R.W.
Willy
Dear R.W.,
Yes, but He hasn’t given a news conference lately.
CY
Appreciating Beauty
Dear Country Yossi,
In last month’s Purim issue, which I tremendously enjoyed, I was especially moved by “Appreciating Beauty” in your Inspiration column. The concept that beauty surrounds us and yet we are too busy to notice or appreciate it really struck a cord. As the mother of three young children, I know all too well how busy life can get and how hard it is to stop and smell the roses. Thank you for printing such meaningful reminders!
A Long Time Fan
Boro Park
Dear Long Time Fan,
My pleasure!
CY
Launching the Site
Dear Country Yossi,
In today’s economy, while most people wonder what tomorrow will bring, A Yid dignifies himself by contemplating how to help a fellow Yid as well.
I am personally involved in these worthy causes of poor fellow Yiden, and I am asking you to do a mitzvah and help spread the word of this new site that will raise money for these families.
Since the launch of this site will take place on Tuesday (21 Adar), the Yahrzeit of the Rebbe Reb Elimelech of Lizensk, and I will be in Lizensk with no internet access, unable to promote the site, I ask you to help me by forwarding this link to 10 friends - just 10 friends, not more.
And may the z’chus of this holy Tzadik bring you lots of parnasah and hatzlacha in all that you need.
Moshe Terkeltaub
www.RabbiElimelech.com
A Hard Act to Follow
Dear Country Yossi,
As Part 2 of the new “stimulus” package, Nancy and Harry Reid unveil:
Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) Washington, DC - (Dateline March 3, 2009).
President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer - Democrat. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi - Democrat, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid - Democrat - pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”
“As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. “This new law should be real good for people like me,” Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Dick Durbin (Democrat-IL), “As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”
Submitted by Jim Ronan
Spokane, Wa.
Listening for Moshiach Melodies
Dear Country Yossi,
“Im eshkochech Yerushalayim” wails from speakers. The mourning continues through our days and nights. However, the redemption seems near. There is something in the air that smells of geula, but I can’t put my finger on it. Perhaps it is all the instability around us. We don’t have control over our lives, which we once seemed to have had in the past. The eerie momentum is signaling change for the better. It has become clear to us how fragile our economy is, and how close to power our enemies are. From every direction the resha’im are trying to trick us. They fool us about their true intentions, just as Lavan tricked Yakov into marrying Leah. But it’s all a test. Will their tricks cause us to turn on each other, or will brotherly love endure? Will be protect each other, just as Rochel supported Leah in that moment of challenge? In fact, we learn that it was in that z’chus that Hashem declares “Your children shall return to their land.” So it is achdus that will save us these days. When all seems bleak, we alone can facilitate our salvation by having more consideration for the next guy/girl. Yesterday I saw an argument take place over a parking space. A Jewish man and woman were screaming at one another. It was pretty silly to see this after remembering what Rochel Imenu was ready to give up. Would Rochel say, “You can have my husband, but you better not take my parking spot?!”
After all, that is why loshon hora is such a grave sin - because Hashem wants to see us loving each other, the way He loves us. Degrading another Jew offends Him greatly. So let’s listen to the music of deliverance, and hear the approach of Moshiach - If we stand b’achdus, we will soon be singing joyful songs of geula.
P.D.
Boro Park
Cell Phone Dangers, Part II
Dear Country Yossi,
In my last letter on this subject I listed 5 reasons not to use cell phones. Now I would like to continue to alert the public of their dangers. Firstly, when one speaks on the phone he loses at least 50% focus on his/her surroundings. I saw a woman walk right into traffic while speaking on the phone. Luckily, the car heading towards her stopped on time. He needed to beep twice before she realized where she was. Secondly, the small children that you are watching need to do more to attract your attention when you are on the phone. I saw a 4-year-old run around to the driver’s side of the car because his mother, on the phone, wouldn’t answer his calls. She screamed at him for doing so, but whose fault was it really?! Thirdly, the authorities still are unsure whether or not cell phone use is safe considering the strong radioactive waves needed to transmit the calls. Of course we say ‘Hashem yishmor,’ that Hashem protects us. However, using an unsafe product is still negligence on our part. Fourth of all, making these phones available to kids exposes them to much danger, both physically and spiritually. Predators can contact them without parents being aware, and many phones connect to the internet, causing the same danger as with the computer. Fifth of all is a repeat of the first danger I wrote about last time, which I must stress yet again: You end up driving while talking on the phone, which turns you into a shtik fleish in a killing machine. Please have mercy on yourself, your family, and the rest of us - and leave your phone at home.
T.K.
Flatbush |
