GADGET MANIA

By Kayla Kuchleffel

Well friends, it’s that time of year again, when we rack our brains trying to figure out what to buy our loved ones for Chanukah. You may ask, “Why do we give gifts?” I’ll tell you. I don’t know! But, it’s tradition.
What to buy the kids is ah halbe tzurah - they usually start telling you what they want for Chanukah right after you give them their birthday present in July. It usually costs a fortune and either doesn’t work at all when you open the box or it’s broken within the first half hour of use.
What to buy the men - also not too bad. They could always use another tie, sweater, shirt or wallet. But, when it comes to buying a woman a gift - don’t ask!
You see, there are four types of husbands in this world. There is one husband who buys lavish gifts for his wife. He has excellent taste and knows just what makes her happy, e.g. a mink coat, a diamond wedding band, vacation tickets, gifts that any woman would be happy to receive.
Unfortunately, such husbands don’t exist in my circles.
The second type of husband buys lavish gifts, but has horrible taste. With this type of husband, you run into two problems. Either you can tell him you hate it (wait! Let me rephrase that - you like it but it’s not your taste) and exchange it for something that you love; or you can smile and lie that it’s just what you wanted and never wear it.
Now this presents you with a dilemma. If you exchange it - no problem - you get what you wanted. The only thing is, your husband may get a little ticked off and never buy you anything again - especially if this is the fourth time this has happened.
If you keep it and never wear it, then he starts shouting that you never wear anything he buys you. You shout back that by this time he should know what type of things you like, etc., etc.
The third type of husband tells you he doesn’t believe in gift giving altogether. It’s a goyishe minhag and leave him alone! It’s funny though, that when you give him a gift, he forgets this minor detail.
The fourth type of husband is the practical husband. His gifts are items that no home should be without. For instance, take my husband… please.
Over the years I’ve gotten a little tin can with holes on top to shake out confectioners sugar, a shovel with a long handle so I don’t have to bend down after sweeping, a giant syringe to baste the meat and chicken, a hard egg slicer, a vacuum cleaner with an attachment to remove light bulbs, etc. We’re talking here quality items. I think of him every time I use them (and mumble under my breath).
The last piece of jewelry I got from my husband was a digital watch that came free in the Honeycomb cereal box.
Lately, my husband’s gotten into the space saver appliance kick, and this has led to a new assortment of “practical” gifts. I have so many strange appliances (half of which I never use) hanging from under my cabinets, that between those and the ones sitting on top of my counter, I can open an electrical appliance store.
I have a Cappuccino maker, an espresso maker, a bread baker, waffle maker, corn shaker (removes corn kernels from cob), apple corer, seltzer maker, potato peeler, cordless mixer, vegetable slicer and an assortment of radios. A clock radio, a clock radio cassette, a clock radio cassette telephone, a clock radio dual cassette telephone, a clock radio dual cassette telephone answering machine and a clock radio dual cassette telephone answering machine pasta maker.
This gadget mania doesn’t only apply to my kitchen. My bathroom is just as bad. I have a blow dryer to straighten my hair, a curling iron to curl my hair, a diffuser to frizz my hair, a waterpik to clean between my teeth, a U.V. light to show plaque on my teeth and an Interplac electric toothbrush to remove this plaque from my teeth. I have a facial sauna, a foot spa, shower massager, and a manicure and pedicure center. What more can women ask for - an electric Q-tip?
As to what will I get people this year? I think I’ll buy a lot of good umbrellas. Lately, I’ve seen people using large beach umbrellas during a rain storm. You need two hands to carry it, but three, maybe four people can fit comfortable under it without getting wet. Now this is a worthwhile gift! But heaven forbid a strong wind should come. You’ll find that your umbrella can double as a hand glider!
I’m also looking into a “tilt-a-bed”. At six a.m., the bed tilts up, throwing your husband on the floor. This guarantees that he gets to minyan on time.
Another good gift is a cedar hat box for shtreimels and spudiks and an American Express velcro tallis zekil so he won’t leave shul without it.
I also just heard that Scotch guard came out with a herring guard. You spray it on your suit or bekitsha before Shabbos and it guarantees to repel herring sauce!
In any event, good luck in your shopping! Have a wonderful Chanukah and remember, it’s not the gift but the thought that counts. And if you believe that, you’re crazier than I am!
Happy Chanukah!