CAN'T YOU JUST PLOTZ
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
My husband Yonkel awakens and, as he’s been doing now for over 35 years, he immediately goes to the bathroom sink to wash up before davening. But 15 minutes later, he’s still in there. I finally hammer on the bathroom door and shout, “What on earth are you doing, Yonkel? Why are you taking so long?”
“It’s simple, Bayla,” he shouts back. “As I get balder and balder, it’s taking me longer and longer to wash my face.”
M.T.
5 Towns
Medical Miracles
A Chinese doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor says, “That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.”
A British doctor says, “In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.”
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, “You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work.”
M.W.
Boro Park
Big Powwow
Louie was a regular Jewish guy who somehow met and married a Jewish Cherokee girl. His parents weren’t very happy about it, but the two of them went to live on her Indian reservation.
A year later, Louie called his mother and let her know that they’d had a baby boy.
“I know you’re upset with me,” he said. “but I thought you’d be happy to know that we’re going to give this baby boy a real Jewish name.”
“Really, what are you going to name him: Yosef Chaim, Moishe Shmeel, Yoily?” his mother asked hopefully.
“No,” he replied proudly, “Smoked Whitefish!”
R.S.
Far Rockaway
The Proper Levush
Two little minks were happily playing in the forest. But then a hunter arrived on the scene and instantly shot one of them. As the hunter lined up his rifle on the other mink, the mink turned to his dead friend and said, “See you on Shabbos in shul!”
S.L
Willy
The Combination
My daughter Raizy was assigned a locker in school for the first time. I bought her a combination lock and she took it to school.
That night I asked her how she remembered the combination.
“Easy,” she smiled. “I wrote it on the back of the lock!”
O.E.
Flatbush
JOKE OF THE MONTH
Back to Sleep
It’s 3:00am and a woman wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. “Why can’t you sleep?” she asks him.
“You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed a thousand dollars from him, and it’s due tomorrow morning, and I don’t have the money. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
The woman gets out of bed and opens the window. “Sam!” she shouts, and several times more, “Sam, Sam!”
Finally a very groggy man opens the window opposite her: “Whaa... What is it?”
“You know the thousand dollars my husband owes you? He doesn’t have it.”
She slams the window shut. “Now,” she says to her husband, “you go to sleep and let him pace the floor.” |
