UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER

Dear Bubby,
I promised myself many times that I would not become one of those single kvechers who writes long, depressing letters about the struggles of dating and the “shidduch crisis.” But I have succumbed to the stresses and sadness that seem to consume my every waking moment. So here it goes: I am 29 years old and have been actively searching for my basherte for the past 10 years. This means that I have been dating, attending singles events, and joining online websites - all in the hopes that my basherte and I would find each other. With each day that goes by my hope and optimism fades and is replaced with an anger and frustration beyond compare. You see, I was that girl at 22 who was comforting all my single friends with advice like “You know he’s out there, it’s only a matter of time.” Or “Be patient, Hashem has someone very special reserved for you.” When I shelled out these sorts of comforting words, I really meant them, I really believed with complete emunah that our turn for happiness would eventually come. Sadly for me I have watched each and every one of these single friends find her zivug and start a new life. I, on the other hand, am still single 7 years and billions of tears later. Now concerned family members and shadchanim offer me the same trite words of comfort that I used so many years ago. But that’s all they are: words, meaningless words. Because the truth is that while all my friends are enjoying their children and are involved in carpools and birthday parties, my life has not evolved at all. I am still living at home in the same room that I’ve slept in since I was three.
Two of my younger siblings have also tied the knot, leaving me with the burden of feigning happiness and getting those sympathetic smiles from family and friends. As I am quickly approaching the big 30 I am painfully aware that the age group of men who will be willing to date me will shoot up significantly. While a single guy in my situation would still be dating girls as young as 20, I will be dating guys closer in age to my father. I am so tired of being accused of being too picky. I am the one who ultimately has to live with this guy, so only I could know if there is potential there or not. Despite how good someone may sound on paper, a true connection has to exist. I want to get married desperately, but not at the cost of marrying the wrong person and being miserable.
So that’s the abbreviated sad tale of my woes! I’m losing faith and finding it difficult to spend any amount of time around married people. I am becoming a loner and my disposition on dates is a direct reflection of all this pent-up frustration. I’m not sure what to do at this point, for as I type this letter the keyboard is flooded with my tears of despair.
Sincerely,
L.H.
Borough Park

Dearest L.H,
My heart aches for you as I read your letter. The desire to marry and start a family can be the most consuming of all hopes. As much as we may want it, we don’t have complete control and therefore it is not entirely in our hands. While I can’t alleviate your pain and as much as I wish I could, I can’t find him for you, I would like to share my thoughts on finding that special someone to share our lives with. As someone who’s been married for many, many years I can tell you that the list of necessities before you are married is completely different than the list once you are married. When you are single it is hard to truly understand what fundamental qualities in a man are truly awe-inspiring. In our quest to find Mr. Right we often get hung up on what we consider must-haves. For every individual these vary, but what’s constant is the unwillingness to compromise on those things. What becomes increasingly obvious once you are married is that marriage is based on compromise. When single and unattached, we search for someone whom we are deeply connected with on many levels. Once we are married, our commitment to one another and our deep love for our children connects us effortlessly. As a single person, we expect our significant other to make us feel important and special, to shower us with compliments and kindnesses. What we learn once we’re married is that it’s the giving, the sacrifice, and just plain being needed that ultimately make us feel special. While dating we expect to really know one another, to form some sort of everlasting connection. What we know only once we’ve tied the knot is that you never really know each other until you’ve lived together. In our single days we wait for our hearts to soar and for love to consume us. Marriage teaches us that time creates love and it’s with time that love takes on an entirely new meaning. We understand for the first time that what makes a man incredible is his ability to be a great dad, to make you laugh when all you want to do is cry, to infuse your home with Torah and all its beauty…
My only advice to you and to the many singles out there is to make a decision to start the next chapter of your lives and in your quest for finding Mr. Right, don’t wait too long. May Hashem bless us all, and may all our hopes become realities!
Behatzlacha!
Love,
Bubby