Question 1:

I'm in a state of panic! I just found out that the Rebbe my six year old son will be getting has a reputation of being a "hitter". Is there anything I should or could do?

A: Calm down, don't take it so seriously. People tend to exaggerate. Wait to see if your son gets hit for no good reason before you panic and take action.

B: Change your child's school immediately even though he will be leaving all his friends behind. The consequences of being hit on a regular basis will most likely turn anyone off from learning and leave the child emotionally scarred. An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.

C: Before you take any action be sure that you are not acting upon your impulses or emotions, or Loshen Horah. Investigate the facts thoroughly. If indeed the situation is clearly validated contact the principal and the Rebbe before Yeshiva begins. Listen to their responses carefully. If they are defensive, angry and attack you for being over protective, you probably have reason to worry. If, however, they are objective and willing to listen and work with your concerns the chances of your child not being hurt are good.

The answer is C. While it's important that we don't jump to conclusions a reputation of this sort must be checked out. Chronic exposure to hitting and emotional cruelty creates disturbed children who grow into disturbed adults (either from school, home or both). We cannot emphasize enough how many children have been treated at the Learning Center with symptoms of school phobia, learning phobia and regression/aggression or total "turnoff" of yeshiva and frumkeit stemming from roots of corporal punishment. Simply stated, human beings of any age cannot be expected to enjoy learning in an atmosphere of fear and violence. When confronting a teacher or principal always give them the benefit of doubt and speak with respect. Many children tend to exaggerate so be sure of your facts before taking serious action.

Question 2:

My eight year old daughter is always threatening to run away from home.I feel hurt, lose my confidence as a mother and don't know how to react.Please tell me that this is common and that I have nothing to worry about.

A: Every child at some point or another wants to run away from home or feels they are adopted. It's a normal part of their development. Don't take it seriously if in general she is well-adjusted, doing well in school and socializes with friends.

B: Your daughter's underlying real message is do you love me and are you going to miss me? Spend positive time with your child so that she can feel that you love her and that you would indeed miss her. Sometimes simply listening, validating and reassuring her feelings is enough. Other times doing a special activity with her alone can relate the message of being loved better than words.

C: If your child is depressed in addition to threatening to run away and makes statements such as, "I'm a nobody, I wish I was dead, nobody likes me," realize that your child may be suffering from a serious depression or emotional problem. Do not hesitate to have her evaluated by a licensed competent professional who specializes with children.

The answer to question 2 can be A, B, or C. Take an honest stock of the situation at home and then you can correctly determine whether A, B or C is the right choice to take. Please be aware that a lot of 'well meaning' people will give you a diversified repertoire of advice. Take them and try them all. If answer C describes your child, only a licensed competent professional who specializes in children's problems can give you correct direction.

Question 3:

My daughter graduated from a Bais Yaakov high school and wants to continue in seminary at night. She says she does not want to be a teacher. She was offered a great job in a non-frum Manhattan office. I'm worried, I want to protect her, but my daughter feels the real issue is that I don't trust her. I know good jobs are hard to obtain. what should I do?

A: Let her take the job. Don't overprotect your child. She has to learn to live in the world she was born to. She is lucky to have parents who can guide her and help her along if difficulties arise.

B: You may be setting yourself up for an unpleasant surprise by allowing her to accept a job in a secular office. Often immoral situations develop, which our children are not prepared to handle. The Learning Center has seen the devastating consequences that have occurred in a non-frum office. Most young girls are bound to be affected by their environment; don't look for trouble.

C: Everything is beshert and unfortunately immoral situations can occur in the most refined Orthodox set-up. What's "beshert" is"beshert" regardless of what you do, or where you work.

The answer is B. While we agree with answer C, that what's beshert is not within our control, nevertheless it is our obligation not to go into a MaCom Sakono (a dangerous place) and to do our utmost to stay away from hazardous situations. This is not to say that a parent should not be on guard even when the workplace appears to be an excellent frum environment.

Question 4:

For the first time in ten years I have been anticipating some free time while my youngest child enters nursery. But my three year old has different plans. He wants to stay home and keep Mommy company. What should I do?

A: Keeping your child home for what you believe is the well-being of your child may backfire. Lifestyles have changed and there are few 3 year olds to play with on the block. This can create a one child classroom where mother is full time teacher, classmate, playmate and entertainer.

B: Don't give in to adult peer pressure advising you to send him to school. A child who wants his Mommy may need his mother's presence more than the stimulation of a classroom. He can have his playmates after 2 P.M.

C: Put him into class and he will adjust like all children eventually do.