I never used to do that. But after coming home one year to find a "Closed by Order of the Health Department" notice nailed to my front door, I decided otherwise.

I walked into the house and thought I would plotz!

The dust was four inches thick - I felt an asthma attack coming on. Every dining room chair had a jacket hanging on the back of it. Why can't men hang their jackets in the hall closet or on the coat rack right when they come in? I'm willing to bet anything that if men wore sheitlach they would take them off and hang them on the nearest door knob!

The dining room table was completely covered with two months worth of mail. The whole set of dishes (service for twenty four) was piled in the sink.

Suddenly I was paralyzed. My legs would not move. I soon realized that I was stuck in two inches of dirt and grime that had the consistency of caramel. It took me ten minutes to lift my foot off the kitchen floor to take the next step!

The refrigerator contained a half-quart of sour milk, an empty donut box,moldy cottage cheese and an interesting plant which I soon recognized to be some fruits and vegetables I had left behind. The counter was covered with crumbs and the kitchen table covered with circular coffee stains.

Against my better judgment, I proceeded upstairs.

The kids' rooms were neat, just the way I had left them. My bedroom was a churban! Newspapers were strewn all over the floor - you would think my husband was housebreaking a team of dogs! Ten pairs of dirty socks were under the bed, eight glasses were on the night table, the bed sheet was on the floor - need I go on?

I rolled up my sleeves, got to work and begged my husband to keep everything nice and clean until we all came home, three days later.

I must admit that he did, except that his jacket was once again hanging on the dining room chair and the mail was back on the table.

Speaking of mail, I don't know about the rest of you, but mine is getting a little out of hand, especially right before the Yomim Tovim.

For years, all I used to get was a box of colored candles before Chanukah. Now, throughout the year I receive all kinds of surprise gifts. I've gotten address labels, bookmarks, cassette tapes with Shabbos and Yom Tov songs, wrapping paper, a lucite napkin holder, a lucite mezuzah case, calendars, birthday cards, tzedaka boxes, tashlich pamphlets, one Succah decoration, a b'dikas chometz set, a Pesach pot holder, a laminated check list of things to do before Pesach, a laminated measurer of the right size kos to drink and matzah to eat, a laminated aishes chayil and birchas hamazon, a laminated ushpizin, pictures of gedolim and a never-ending supply of books. Now I wish someone would send me a bookcase to hold all of them!

And because they know we are going to enjoy these gifts, a little envelope is enclosed for us to show our appreciation. Well, it has gotten to the point where I had to go out and buy a filing cabinet to keep track of everything!

Now the latest thing I've been getting is refrigerator magnets. I have magnets from plumbers, real estate agents, dentists, lawyers, doctors, fruit stores, florists, locksmiths, groceries, yeshivas, cemetery plots, sheitel machers, refrigerator repairmen, car rentals, car services, all in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors. And as if these aren't enough, guess what my kids made in camp for arts and crafts? You got it - refrigerator magnets!!!

My refrigerator door now doubles as a bulletin board. Pictures, drawings and any test with a mark over 65 is proudly displayed. Important messages (i.e. "Change your underwear before you go to the doctor" or "Clear your room or else...") are exchanged via notes, all held in place by one of these magnets. Gone forever are the days of bare refrigerator doors.

What do future mailings hold? I'm afraid to guess. In the meantime...

Oh wait! I just noticed a UPS truck stopping in front of my house. Do you think it's a bookcase?

No! Wait a minute! Oh heavens! I don't believe it! They're bringing me alive chicken!! Wait! There's a note attached: "We're sending you this chicken to twirl around your head. And when your family is done with it, send us back a check instead"

K'siva V'chasima Tova!